Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
