I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
