her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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