if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
