i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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