Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
