I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize