Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
