He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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