I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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