Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
