Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
