Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
is that a dick in a sweater?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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