I have demons in me.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
