too bad you live with your parents still
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
