I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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