I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
there is glitter all over my balls
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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