the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
