today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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