my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
