captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
