Will you blow on my dice?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
