when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We left an ass print on the piano.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
