there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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