so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
