dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
