I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
