There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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