So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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