just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
my liver is dry heaving
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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