She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
