mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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