I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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