I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
