I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
