So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
