He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
