I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
