Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
