Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
