Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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