So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
