is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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