you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
