I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
