woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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