Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
