Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
