Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
