I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
