Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
