This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
