If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
