The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
