Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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