im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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