Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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