god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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