i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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