so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I touched a dick in church today
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
